Or Why You Should Raise Your Kids As Pirates (And 101 Tips on How To Do it)

So what do pirates and lighthouses have in common? A lot actually. It’s rumored that some lighthouses, before the government took them over in 1789, were actually the result of land based pirates, using the entrapment method of lighting fires on shore, to fool ships into landing for the purpose of slaying the crew and looting the bounty. And of course, there are numerous tales of Blackbeard’s treasure buried near North Carolina lighthouses. Not to mention one American lighthouse keeper was alleged to be a pirate. And even Scotland’s lighthouses have pirate legends.

So with all that in mind, I eagerly awaited the arrival of a new book, the Guide To Pirate Parenting by Cap’n Billy “The Butcher” MacDougall. I also had an ulterior motive, as I’m soon to become a grandmother and wanted to make sure the little powder monkey got the right start. I must be in the minority, because Cap’n Billy claims holders of the Double X chromosome are less likely to see the benefits of raising their little swabbies to this most (dis)honorable profession. But as I already have done so, I wanted to make sure my son (who is wanted in three states and on one ocean) would do it right. After all, there is a mother involved with the pirate-to-be, and not having had the benefit of passing on my knowledge over the years to her, I thought this book would do the job.

And do the job it does. I heard nothing but laughter as the mother-to-be read the book. Of course, this was after I’d already done so, in case I wanted to add anything. But I didn’t. Cap’n Billy covers it all. And I do mean all. From mapping out your pirate’s future, to feeding your pirate, to quelling mutinies, all the way to the glorious teen years when all you’ve done has come to fruition, it’s covered. An added bonus is how to convert your family minivan to a pirate schooner. Throughout the book are checklists you can use to check your progress. From the checklist for feeding your pirate (You’re doing a good job if you’ve heard at least six of the following):

• You can flog me, but I’m not eating creamed spinach!
• I’ve buried me treasure in the mashed potatoes
• I’ll need another ration of grog if you expect me to eat those peas!
• Your tuna noodle casserole would be perfect to fill in the cracks in the deck!
• If I eat all my food, can I plunder the neighbors before I go to bed?

Well, you get the idea.

So Just Who Is Cap’n Billy?

Well, the book is actually ghostwritten by Tim Bete, because as a pirate, of course Cap’n Billy can’t read or write. So the question first becomes, just who is Tim Bete?

Tim Bete began his nautical adventures as a child sailing on Buzzard’s Bay (how appropriate) off the coast of Massachusetts. At age ten, he longed for a small cannon to put on his grandfather’s 30 foot wooden ketch - a quick, two masted vessel that is perfect for catching other ships so you can plunder them. His parents scuttled the cannon idea, saying he would “terrorize other boats with it.” But that’s exactly what he had in mind.

Bete’s parenting advice has been published in dozens of newspapers, magazines and web sites, including the Christian Science Monitor, Atlanta Parent, Big Apple Parent, Northwest Family, FathersWorld.Com and ParentingHumor.Com. His first book, In the Beginning…There Were No Diapers, was a 200y6 ForeWord Best Book of the Year finalist.

Bete’s hobbies include pushing his luck and skating on thin ice. He’s the former director of the Erma Bombeck (remember her? I do, and miss her) Writer’s Workship (www.humorwriters.org).

Cap’n Billy “The Butcher” MacDougall has been hiding from authorities for most of his life. He lives on his ship, The Frightened Flounder, but can someteims be found at the Crow’s Nest Tavern. His hobbies include plundering and rum.

Want to get in touch with them? Well, Cap’n Billy is usually at sea, but he is on Twitter. Get an account and follow his adventures and advice. Tim Bete can be reached through the website, where you can also buy the book, at www.timbete.com.

Guide to Pirate Parenting: Why You Should Raise Your Kids As Pirates, and 101 Tips on How to Do It is also available through Amazon (affiliate link).

If you are a parent, parent-to-be, grandparent, or just want to amuse yourself with what you should have done, I highly recommend getting this Amazon best seller. It will keep you in stitches. Which if you feed your child right, he will be able to put them into you himself (Cheerios help infants learn to pick up small objects and improve hand-eye coordination, which is useful to help fix sails and sew up wounds in crew mates).

Keep up with Lighthouse News. Get articles by Email or in a Reader.